More than 45 so in our math world.. we would round 46 to 50…. FIFTY?!!!
I like even numbers, actually I’ve always loved them. Yet for some reason, I don’t like this number anymore. 4 and 6. Alone okay, together… not so much…
As my 7-year-old Brayden would say, “I am this many years old” Actually I have been for three months now. So, am I officially now “middle-aged”? If I live to see 92 that is, then I am half way through my life. I could do it. Both grandmothers have, my great-grandmothers did. My mom is 66 but looks and acts younger. I could be okay. I want to be a young old person. I want to see my son graduate college and get married and have a family? Maybe? Maybe I’ll live to be a nana? He’s 40… I’ll be 79, so yes, we will see.
Since my last birthday, December 2nd 2017 when I became 1/2 way to 92, something in me has changed. I’ve noticed there has been a shift. I am still me, but I feel.. calmer? quieter? Just more present.
I guess the “shift” really began when I injured my lower back in the fall. Ok, so maybe one-legged squat jumps while holding 8 lb weights half awake at 5:00 am wasn’t the smartest thing to be doing, but I always worked out hard, every morning, and I never, ever “got hurt”…. Until I did.
I literally couldn’t work out “hard” anymore for a few months. I went to Physical Therapy, and once I got the okay.. I started doing lots of Yoga/Pilates, but I wasn’t ALLOWED to do the hard-core workouts for the time… and from NOT being able to… I started to realize… Maybe, I didn’t really want too! Gasp.
I was a six to seven day a week, up at 5:00 am workout person. For the last 7 years. Every day. I woke up, and went at it hard. The latest or most advanced beachbody workout program. Weights, Cardio, going fast, going hard…and I was killing myself every. Single. Day. I thought about working out all the time. I HAD to do it. It was who I was. If I missed a workout, I would beat myself up. I was so stressed and anxious. I was wound up so tight.. Wait. Wasn’t working out supposed to relieve stress?
I was not happy to be told that I needed to take a break from all of that, but the weirdest part was… I felt… a bit relieved. After a few weeks, I realized how much calmer I felt. I laughed more. I paid attention to other things in my life. I was much less “crazed and obsessed.” I felt balanced. I realized. Wow. Maybe what I was doing, wasn’t working anymore. Maybe, 7 days a week of crazy, intense workouts without a break, wasn’t really the best thing for me. Maybe at 45/46 I need to work out differently than I did in my 20’s and 30’s? Or maybe, just maybe…. it’s okay to rest. To just slow down…
So here I am at 46 and my mindset has shifted.
I’m still active. I workout at least 3-5 days a week depending on my schedule and how I’m feeling. I rotate weight-training and cardio in with yoga, but “Working out’ doesn’t define me anymore. I’m not obsessed. I am enjoying more down time with my son and husband. Allowing myself to relax more. To read more books, write, watch movies with my son. Just to take a deep breath and relax. I’ve come to realize I didn’t allow myself this for a very long time. I was always going, going, going. I HAD to workout, I HAD to do this or that. I was in a constant state of stress. I’m kinda done with all that. I am doing something new now. Something I don’t think I’ve done for quite sometime. I am actually listening to that voice in my head. I am asking myself, “what do I feel today?” “what does my body want or need” and then I do that. I am not so rigid, not wound so tight, and I just feel more balanced. Maybe there is an upside to being 46. Maybe at this point in my life, I am finding some mindfulness. Maybe, getting “older” isn’t all bad?