Today is the first day so far in this challenge where I really felt unmotivated to write. I just feel like I’m in a funk and trying to get myself out of it before my students walk in the door. I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night, which is rare for me, but when it happens it’s horrible, as I can lay there for hours before I’ll sleep. It was midnight before I fell asleep so I am going on under 5 hours of sleep, so being tired is part of it. It’s dreary today, it’s rainy, and I have to go to a wake tonight after work. Not looking forward to that. Especially this week.
Thursday will be the 15th year anniversary of my younger brother’s passing, and as my husband reminded me this morning when I explained to him that I felt “off”, that this week is always tough for me. He was generally surprised that I didn’t understand why I felt so blah.
It’s weird, you don’t even have to be consciously thinking about it at all, you just feel heavy-hearted, sad, and well, just really off.
I still cannot believe that he’s been gone that long. I still can not believe he never saw 28 years old, or got to meet my husband and his nephew. I often wonder what his life would be like now? What would he be doing? How many children would he have? Would he have married his life of his life, or the girl he was dating when he got sick? Why did he have to get sick in the first place? Why couldn’t they fix him? Or sometimes, how could he leave me alone to deal with “them?” Meaning our parents!! (Ha)
So, right now, today, I have to accept it, this sucks. Plain and simple. I need to be okay with the fact that, I am going to be sad and quiet, I’m going to get the feeling I have right now of anxiousness, and although I hate feeling like this, I have to allow myself to feel it all. The Pain, sadness, anger, whatever it is, I need to just let myself feel it . I do try and focus on the positive too. The friendship we had in our 20’s, the times when we’d just laugh together, and that before I met my husband, he was the one that really KNEW me, the good, the bad and the ugly. He was my “person” in early adulthood, and I am lucky to have had that time with him. Somehow in those last few years, he had turned from being my annoying little brother to my best friend, and I wouldn’t change that for anything. However, I need to just own it and say it. I’m sad. I miss him. I really, really, miss him.